Dove with Branch
March 27, 2006 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk

Welcome! - Dean Van Leuven

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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, When I go out to dinner with my boy friend he does not like to tip. Unless the waiter provides some special service or is overly friendly with him he often leaves them nothing. This embarrasses me and I have tried to leave a tip. When I do he becomes angry, says it is none of my business, and tells me not to leave them any money. - Embarrassed.

Embarrassed, Your boy friend does have a legal right not to leave a tip. It is not however socially acceptable, and it is appropriate for you to want to leave something if he does not. Of greater concern is the fact that he does not accept your leaving a tip as okay and tells you that he is in control. You have a right to respond in your way just as he has. I would resolve this problem quickly before I continue a relationship with him. If he is going to be the boss and tell you what to do, and that is not what you want this will make your relationship very unpleasant at best. If you want to be an equal in the relationship my advice is to establish that quickly or terminate the relationship. - the Dean

Dear Dean, My boy friend seems to be ignorant of basic good manners. He is not considerate of other people. He has no patience to wait for me or others yet he is often late. When we are out in public he will make fun of the way I dress and the way I wear my hair, and he knows I am uncomfortable with that. How can I get him to change? - Carrie

Dear Carrie, You can't; unless he wants to. We learn our manners as we grow up. You have to make it clear to him that the ones he learned are not good for you. If he is interested in learning to do things differently and wants to change then be patient and work with him. if you feel he wants to learn. Have some patience with him if he is trying. Old habits are sometimes hard to break. You can always just accept his bad manners, but that is a higher price than you may want to pay. If you don't totally accept the way he is it will be a constant source of stress that will make the relationship less than acceptable to you. - the Dean

Send your Ask the Dean Questions to: P.O. Box 535, Elmira, OR 97437 or visit to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

Our government's purpose is to provide for the greater good of our society as a whole. We often notice but seem to tolerate what we call "pork" spending whereby some of our more influential legislatures obtain funding for special projects in their district that seems out of proportion cost wise to the needs of the whole country. This is a concern we should pay more attention to and find a way to reduce the abuses.

A related problem that we fail to notice is that we tend to look at the benefits we will receive from a project and fail to notice the cost. When we put in a new "road to nowhere" we fail to notice how much benefit we get from it considering the cost to build it. We start projects with federal funding because the money is available. If we wouldn't spend our own money to do it, why should we do it just because the federal government is going to pay?

If we have an attitude that we should get as much of the federal funds as possible then we become like the child who runs up debt on the family credit card without worrying because mom & dad will pay the bill. When we learn to care about our neighbors we will become more concerned about their having to pay for our extravagances.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

To the extent that we are being subconsciously influenced by the past, we are not fully present in any relationship. To the extent that we have resolved past issues, we are capable of thinking, acting, and feeling completely within the present moment. This is when we are the most effective and most likely to act in ways consistent with our thoughts and feelings.

Most of the time, we think we would like to do something one way and then do something else. We are most likely to make mistakes when we operate in this way. It is to our advantage to take conscious control of our thoughts and our feelings.

We largely bring on our own emotional disturbances by choosing, both consciously and unconsciously, to think irrationally, to create unhealthy negative feelings, and to act in self- defeating ways. Fortunately if we know how, we can choose to change our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: I embrace change. I can always make things better than they are today.

Tuesday: When I want to change an old habit, I find a new positive behavior to take its place.

Wednesday:I want my life to be better. I will choose something that will make it so.

Thursday: I know that my old negative attachments can be released. I just need to decide to release them.

Friday: I am not obligated to act in the way others think I should. I will act in the way that I think is right.

Saturday: I make choices based on what I think is the right thing to do today. I do not make choices just because of what I was taught.

Sunday: When the choices I make upset me then I look for a new choice to make. I wish to live in harmony with my own beliefs.

Additional Information

For those of you who are in the Cedar Falls, IA area, I will be on "The Mix" morning show on Radio Station KCNZ AM 1250 at 7:15AM on Friday, April 31st explaining how it is possible to eliminate anger from your life.

If you know someone who might be interested in using any or all of my regular newspaper columns please pass this information on to them, or send me their e-mail address or telephone number and I will be happy to start sending them the information.

If you are a charitable or religious organization and would like to reprint any of my articles please contact me for permission which will be cheerfully granted.

Remember if you want the free e- book and phone seminars you must subscribe to this newsletter at the website.

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to


Contact Information

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