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Date: Fri, 7 Dec 2007 11:40:22 -0800
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Dove with Branch
December 10, 2007 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk

I visited Kathmandu, Nepal from Nov. 15th to 26th in support of Society For Without Anger (SEWA-Nepal). We did interactive programs with students and faculty at eleven higher secondary schools and colleges, including our three program schools. One additional school of 7,000 students has already agreed to start using our program. We met with two National Private and Boarding School Associations who have expressed a desire to use our program in their 2900 schools throughout the country. We met with the Ministry of Social Welfare, UNESCO, and The City of Kathmandu. UNESCO is reviewing our training program for inclusion in their Nation Peace Building Programme and Kathmandu City has requested that we develop a training program for their day care centers. Also, the Nepal government schools are considering adding our program to the curriculum and SEWA-Nepal is planning to open the first psychiatric clinic in Nepal.

I had the opportunity to talk about our program on national TV & radio and was invited to participate in the Southeast Asia Regional Peace Conference next May. All that and we had time to visit some historic castles, take a trip to the mountains, and had a wonderful welcoming ceremony! No wonder I came home with a cold. Congratulations to SEWA-Nepal! They are wonderful people to work with.

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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My sister has been a very successful person. She is in the corporate world and is presently working in Paris. She did call mother occasionally, but seldom came to see her. Mother is dieing and now my sister says she is involved in an import deal she can't leave for another two weeks. Mother may not even make it that long. Mother says she understands but I know she wants to see my sister. What can I do to get my sister to come now? - Genevieve in Oakland

Dear Genevieve, You can ask her and tell her how you feel. If she doesn't do not hold it against her. Mother has accepted it and you should too unless you want to lose a sister. Your sister is not perfect even in her own eyes. She has had to make some difficult life choices that only she can understand. Be willing to accept her choices. You seem to care about family. Do not double your losses just because you can't forgive your sister. - the Dean

Dear Dean, I am engaged to be married. My fiancée and I love each other very much but I am upset by his weekend plans. He wants to go to the game with his friends. He invites me but I am not interested. I have tried to get him to do something that I enjoy but he is not willing to give up his games. I want to find a way we can do things together, what do you suggest? - Yvonne in Madison

Dear Yvonne, I suggest you resolve this issue before you marry since you consider it an important one. A happy marriage requires agreement on important issues. If you do not have the ability to resolve important differences before marriage, you most likely will not have that ability during marriage. I do not suggest marriage if you don't have the ability to resolve your issues. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: P.O. Box 535, Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

There are three kinds of relationships. The first is the "I and others" relationships where we look at others as different and separate from us. It is the "us against the world" relationship. Many of us spend most of our time in these kinds of relationships. When we do life seems like a struggle. If we are not battling to get to the top of the heap, we are using all of our energy to survive. Unless we are one of the few winners, this kind of relationship is not very enjoyable to us. It often makes life seem empty, even for the winners.

The second kind of relationship is the "I - You" relationship. In this relationship we begin to care about others as well as ourselves. We become concerned for the wellbeing of others, especially those we have chosen as friends. These relationships are very enriching in our life, except when we enter into them with someone who is looking at it as an "I and others relationship". An example is the partner who refuses to go to counseling when differences cannot be resolved satisfactorily.

The third kind of relationship is the "We" relationship where the relationship becomes the entity and we become the participants in it. We are in this together. The goal we are working for is a successful relationship. Instead of the object being a way to make me happy, it becomes a way to make "We" happy. These are the most rewarding kind of relationships. When most of our relationships become this way we will find personal peace and create peace in our society.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

You will not be able to enjoy a happy, intimate relationship unless you fully accept and respect the other person, and let them know that you do. "Never criticize or complain" is an important rule to follow. It will help you to reap rewards in the richness of your relationship. Never think you have the right to decide what is right, or what they should do, for your partner. To do so means that you are attempting to assume a position of power over them. If you assume that power your relationship is no longer an equal one.

Also, the other person usually will not happily accept your control. They will likely become angry and unhappy with the relationship in some way. If you are content with a relationship of power and fear this may work for you. If you want a relationship of love and joy asserting power over the other will make this impossible. Knowing in your mind that you are more capable than they are to handle certain things is no excuse to assume control.

If you respect your partner, it will be easier to deepen your friendship and love. If you don't, focus on learning how, because it is essential to the relationship. You bring certain styles and skills to the relationship and they bring others. You chose them for who they were. Respect them for who they are. Focus your attention on the things that make your mate special and that attracted you to them initially. Always, always appreciate that. Often, and with enthusiasm, tell your mate how much you love and appreciate them.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Think about how often you criticize or complain about your mate.

Tuesday: Realize that your mate gets to choose how they want to be.

Wednesday: Resolve not to try to control your mate's choices.

Thursday: Resolve to accept your mate's choices as appropriate for them.

Friday: Resolve to respect your mate for the person that they are.

Saturday: Think about why you chose your mate.

Sunday: Resolve to love your mate just as they are.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of A Peaceful New World and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes

My Phone Seminar for this week is: Modeling Anger for your Children

Learn how to avoid sabotaging your children's lives. Learn how to not act out anger in front of them. Discuss the consequences of your angry behavior and how you can learn to teach your children positive behaviors.

You can schedule a phone seminar for the days offered. You can schedule them at your convenience for any day Monday through Thursday between 5:30 PM and 7:30 PM Pacific Time by calling 800-359-6015 or e-mailing drdean@lifewithoutanger.com at least 24 hours in advance to arrange a scheduled time.

The price is $15.00 for a one hour seminar. If you subscribe to my free newsletter "Insights from the Dean of Peace" you are entitled to two free phone seminars to use at your convenience.

If you are a charitable or religious organization and would like to reprint any of my articles please contact me for permission, which will be cheerfully granted.

If you know someone who might be interested in using any, or all of my regular newspaper columns please pass this information on to them. Or send me their e- mail address, or telephone number, and I will be happy to send them the information.

Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

Remember if you want the free e-book and phone seminars you must subscribe to this newsletter at the website.

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com


Contact Information

phone: 800-359-6015 fax:541-935-9361

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