Dove with Branch
February 17, 2013 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,

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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, I am a working mom. I enjoy my work and I enjoy my family. My husband and I agreed to this. My problem is that he refuses to help with the housework. As a result I have much less time with the children and he just uses his time to watch sports on TV. This wouldn't be so bad but the kids aren't interested in sports. I have talked to him but he refuses saying it is "women's work." How can I get him to help with the housework? - Lisa in IN


Dear Lisa, Obviously you and your husband have a different view of the relationship. Have your explained to him why you need help with the housework? If you have and he still doesn't care, then you have an even larger problem. You need to find a way to balance the load in your relationship; accept that you are the heavy load bearer; or find some other way to resolve this problem. If you are skilled in this you should be able to save the relationship and the family both. - the Dean


Dear Dean, My wife will not clean up the house, even when I ask her to clean it up. I am embarrassed to bring clients and associates home from work and it is important if I am going to be successful. What do you suggest? - Bruce in NJ


Dear Bruce, You have many choices. You can get your wife to see value for the family in doing the cleaning. You can do it yourself. You can hire it done. You can take your clients elsewhere. You can choose different work. You can choose a different wife (perhaps a poor choice) or you can just be okay with it and make do. The choice is up to you and your skill in negotiating with your wife. Good luck! - the Dean


I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit to submit by e-mail.


Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

We think of a court trial as a way of solving issues. In fact we have reached the point that not just a trial, but a complete exhaustion of the legal process is required. Our thinking is that we must do all we can to win, regardless of the cost in time and money. Those with the most money often use the process just so that they can win when the other party runs out of money and is unable to continue the fight.


If instead we viewed going to court as a failure, a failure to be able to resolve our issues, then we would approach the problem differently. We would make every effort to solve the problem ourselves; and then use mediation or arbitration for resolution when necessary. We would be much more willing to resolve our differences instead of battling to the end. Our effort to resolve problems would best begin just by sitting down over a couple cups of coffee and talking.


Unfortunately this same thing is going on in international politics. We look at war much the same way we do as going to court in the legal system. We use it as a tool of diplomacy. We look at war as a way to resolve our differences; instead of as a failure to resolve them. If we viewed war as representing a total failure to solve our differences instead of a failure to have our own way we would be less eager to go to war.


Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

We can change the world by changing our thoughts about it. When we learn to change our basic beliefs about things, we have the capacity to look at life - and everything else that happens to us - differently. This process is referred to as changing our belief system. When we do this, we even change the system of cause and effect. How does this work? Once we've changed our view of the world, things will not work the same for us as they did before. The same events that we were experiencing in the past will now inspire different responses than they did before - and thus different results.


Our belief system is an extremely complex system that contains all of the things that we have learned in our whole life. These are all the beliefs that we have been taught and accept as being true. Our beliefs determine how we think the world works and embody the truths we hold to be self-evident and accept without question. In order to make meaning out of any new input to our mind we always compare this new information to our existing belief system.


If we want to change the way we feel, then we must change our beliefs. You'll be able to experience a wonderful new way of life if you can just alter your beliefs to encompass wonderful expectations of life. This is because what you believe will happen is what will happen. Almost always we find the world out there to be the world we expect it to be. So for the world to seem good to you, it is essential that you expect that it will be good.


Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: I recognize I create my own personal view of the world just by the way I think about things.


Tuesday: I recognize that if I don't like what is happening and I am powerless to change it that I will remain unhappy unless I change how I feel about it.


Wednesday: I recognize that I can make my world better just by thinking it is better.


Thursday: I recognize that if I accept what is happening as just how the world works it is not necessary to remain unhappy.


Friday: I recognize my beliefs were created by the things I have learned from others.


Saturday: I resolve to examine any belief that results in my unhappiness.


Sunday: I resolve to change any belief I hold that results in my unhappiness.


Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at:

Additional Notes

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."


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